Many
of you have heard, some of you probably have not… but a month from now Nick and
I will be leaving South Sudan. It’s a decision that required two months of
waiting, two weeks of mentally preparing to stay
until February, and one long train ride spent weighing options before making
the final call. Honestly, this decision was much harder to make than we thought
it would be.
When
we first started looking at our options, staying here felt wise: we had
reliable jobs, we could save money, we could take advantage of this time in
life to travel, and we could help out our teams here with the disaster
response. Not to mention, the guilt we could avoid with leaving our work for
purely selfish personal reasons. However, the longer we evaluated our motives
and drive for staying, the more we realized the depth to which we were relying
on financial/job security to get us through.
When
I first came to South Sudan, I was nervous – scared, even, if I’m being honest.
I feel a bit embarrassed to admit that now. But, the fear others had for me
along with my own fears of a new place, a new job, and new people culminated
into a big heap of Reasons Not To Go To South Sudan. Yet, I decided still. In
my mind, I knew being afraid was never a good enough reason not to do
something.
When
I first started talking to Nick, I was nervous. The remaining scars of past
relationships and the uncertainty in my own abilities to love someone well left
me in a state of panic with each new stage. Yet, I could hear the silent
impression left on my mind from before, and knew that fear was not a good
enough reason to not do something. 1 John 4:18 says that the “perfect love” of Christ
“casts out fear”. Though Nick cannot
provide this same love, I see glimpses of it in the ways he cares for me and laugh at everything I was afraid of before.
Now,
we are facing decisions together. When our true intent for staying surfaced,
it became obvious we needed to return home. I worry because we don’t have jobs,
we don’t know what is next for us, and I fear my ability to re-connect with
people. I’m reminded once more of my anthem – fear is not a good enough reason
to not do something. After talking it through, we quickly realized the benefits
of going home to build the support of friends, family, and a church before
walking into the challenges of marriage.
July
3rd, we will be returning home with the intention of laying the
foundations for a marriage rooted in knowing each other deeply, growing the
depths of our faith, and learning to love friends and family better as a
team. It is not going to be that easy.
So, here is where I need your support. I’ve
learned that sometimes you have to show people how to love you better. Often
times the moments our friends need us most are the very same moments we struggle
to relate - times of loss, heartbreak, illness, depression. And when we can’t
relate we often stifle our care behind clichés and silence. I know it is
difficult for some people to relate to me right now, and I want to help break
that barrier before I get back:
1)
Listen – more than anything I feel loved when I
know people hear and understand where I am at.
2)
Be flexible and understanding – I will have a
lot of people to catch up with when I return, and my plans are likely to change
hundreds of times. Please know that I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU. But I also
have a years-worth of catching up to do with all of my family/friends and a lifetime of introductions to do with
Nick’s family/friends. I know, logistically, that there will not be enough time
for hour-long coffee dates with everyone. Please be flexible and try to be
understanding of how much I already bear a lot of guilt for not being able to
be there for people this past year. That being said, do not hesitate to ask for
time or assume I am too busy – I cannot reiterate enough my desire to spend
time with everyone back home. Please just be flexible if it doesn’t work out,
plans change, or it’s not enough time.
3)
Be intentional – I know the environment I left
is not the one I am coming back to. You have new hobbies, new friends, new
commitments that I am no longer aware of or a part of. Help me get to know
those things again. Introduce me to new friends; introduce me to your new hobby.
It will take effort from both of us to learn how to relate again. And as Nick
and I make our way through the states this summer, there is a good chance we
could be driving near your home. We would love to meet up! Be willing to meet
us halfway, it would help us out a lot in the long run with making the trip
possible.
4)
Be supportive – Nick and I are in no way ready
to be married. No, we haven’t dated a full year yet, we haven’t met each
other’s extended families, and we have not spent time together in the states
yet. I have had a lot of people express concern to me about these things. So
first off, thank you. I honestly appreciate your boldness and willingness to
pull me aside in a loving way to make sure we are making a wise decision. But I
also want you to know that we have thought this through. I wasn’t ready when I
left for college. I wasn’t ready when I left for South Sudan. I’m not going to
be ready for marriage either, but I know it is still the right next step. No,
we haven’t dated a full year yet, but over the course of the year we have grown
to know each other deeply. We haven’t had our friends or family around; we have
just had each other. I think there is a sweet intimacy there that matches any
measurement of growth based solely on time. And while we know getting to see
another side of each other in the states may be challenging, it is also not a
matter that influences our commitment to each other. Marriage should in no way
be based on the context you are in. I do not love Nick in the context of South
Sudan, and when we are 40 I will not love him in the context of who he was at
25. We will be challenged in these coming months, and we will grow in these
coming months. I plead for your encouragement and support during that time and
that you will leave the convictions and concerns to our immediate family and
closest friends.
5)
Be
forgiving – I’m going to screw up when I get home. Maybe I won’t have enough
patience, or I will take something too sensitively. You extending grace on me
in these moments will go a long way. And in the same way, I know you will not
be able to perfectly follow this list. Please know that I will be doing my best
to return this same grace to you!
Thanks for taking the
time to read this. Thanks for loving on me throughout this year. I can’t wait
to come home and see everyone in person!!
Love,
Breanna
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