They told me months 4-6 were the hardest and that by that
final stretch you would finally have it figured out. Well, at least, until the
dawn of eventual bliss of reverse culture shock in the land of 30 cereal options
is ready to call you back home. But other than that, I basically knew the You
Will Get Culture Shock Theory backwards and forwards—graphs, research, and all.
And though I think those predicted ‘hard’ months were difficult, the two months
past that have felt far from ‘figured out’ (yeah that’s right, if you just did
the math I am indeed on month 8).
The ‘hard’ months were painful. There’s no denying that. There
are the normal pains that will continue to plague me all my life as the
inevitable result of my sin nature: I screw up at work, I say too much, I give
a wrong impression, I let down a friend, or I compare myself to others. And
then there are the pains unique to the situation here in South Sudan: feelings
of frustration with blatant gender inequality, constantly telling friends
goodbye due to the quick turnover of positions in the field, or holding a
friend as she cries over the loss of her husband stabbed the week before. And
in those months I felt the weight of both pains. Perhaps it’s half the reason I
gave up blogging at all during that time (or perhaps my sluggish side stole the
best of my spare hours). And yet, there’s something appealing about painful
moments. It’s always the part of any great story where the protagonist grows,
learns, and transforms into a hero, the very height of the character arc. It’s
the part of life we distinctly look back on, amazed we made it through.
It’s the moments of every-day-routine-life that make us
apathetic…
Welcome to Month Eight.
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| Beneficiaries waiting in line - UN News Centre - Jacob Zocherman/IRIN |
This reflection feels very representative of my current
spiritual standing. I don’t know how often I really speak of my how my faith
started or how it’s wavered up and down throughout the years; there reaches a
point in life where I feel few Christians truly do. As your faith becomes part
of who you are, those moments stream together the same way all others do, and
the cyclical ups and downs find their own routines, same as my journey here. And
in a way, I think this is how it should be: a lifetime of moments and growth.
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| Team effort carrying jerrycans of clean water - Instagram @samaritanspurse |
My faith started when I accepted Christ at age 11, but He
has been working in my life since day one. He pursued me before I could even
acknowledge that I needed Him. You see, I had asked God to intervene in my life
the summer I lost my sister. Not necessarily in the way I say it now, but in
the way an 11 year old asks for help: awkwardly and with a little too much
emotion. Still, God knew my heart and He heard my prayer. Saying He came to my
rescue is an understatement, so much of who I am today is rooted in the
convictions and love He has shown me.
That being said, my faith is also far from ‘figured out’. I have wrestled with doubts since I became a believer,
whether through a heart-based doubt of apathy towards God’s presence, a
personal doubt of God’s goodness compared to the backdrop of this fallen world,
or a head-based doubt of scripture’s validity and truth from an intellectual
perspective. And in the recent months, I have felt the latter category weighing
heavily on my understanding of who God is and the faith I have spent so long claiming.
Unfortunately, at the moment, I don’t have a happy ending
for this one. I don’t have a break-through revelation to share about conquering
doubt and faith restored. Instead, I have a lot of questions. I have a lot to
learn and a lot I still don’t understand.
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| Refugee camp in Yida - Pete Muller Photography |
Ironically enough, I think we all are in the same boat on
this one. It’s rare to see someone 100% confident in what they believe, and
when we do run across such a person we excuse their behavior as arrogance and
close-mindedness. We justify their assurance on the premise of personality
because their behavior is outside the norm. There are days when theists doubt
God and when atheists doubt the inexistence of God; to know with certainty
every day would eliminate the need for faith.
One thing I do know is that the questions will lead
somewhere new. There’s a reason the theory of reverse culture shock exists...once
you have taken a step into the unknown, you cannot simply return to the known
as it was and as you were before. So for
now, I keep moving forward, and am eager to discover what’s ahead.
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| Yida's jungle gym and jungle boy - B.Dargel |
"Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious...and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths."
- Walt Disney -
