Title: A Closer Look in the Mirror

Hiking Mt. Jebel with the children from CCC - Twitter R. Musser

Beauty, Self-worth, Identity—Concepts I have heard so often preached in routine motivational speeches that I could recite them in my sleep. Throw in a solid reference to being “fearfully and wonderfully made” and a body-to-temple comparison and you have a pre-teen girls best-seller in the making.

It is no surprise to me that our fiercely independent and identity driven culture sparks a desire in each of us to see who we are clearly, but perhaps I still got confused along the way. Perhaps I wasn’t looking closely enough in the mirror…

Boys, I’m warning you now: you are about to witness the emotional state of a girl after getting a haircut (while she simultaneously attempts to grow out bangs). Which I have since determined is entirely normal. Ladies, back me up here.

We all make our fair share of mistakes in life. One of mine just so happens to be attempting to cut my own hair in a third world country with no access to a hair stylist. I know your curiosity is beginning to creep in at this point, so rather than stalking my Facebook, just go ahead and scroll down for a picture—I’ll wait. After staring in frustration at my bangs for nearly a half hour attempting to force their growth with my mind (I’ve discussed ‘the force’ with my youngest brother one too many times), and developing unrealistic expectations by looking up demonstrations on Pinterest, I grabbed my scissors. After all, it’s just hair…Four hours later I stood next to the sink in tears.

I am so embarrassed to admit that. Honestly. Hair is such a petty thing to cry over. I convince myself it must be a biological reaction rather than admit this newly discovered weakness in my character. Surely, there is a scientific link between hair and tears that requires both to be shed at the same time.

Regrettably, there is not.

How can I see suffering around me every day and then cry about this? Am I really that shallow? Or is there something deeper going on in my heart?

I recently finished a book by Donald Miller called, Blue like Jazz. In the very last chapter he admits how uncomfortable he has always felt with the idea of receiving love, or even loving himself. I find myself struggling with the same thing. I always blamed my distaste of any “God wants you to love yourself” sermon on phony, feel-good theology. It feels wrong to love myself; it goes against humility, allows me to believe I have the ability to assign myself worth, and refuses to acknowledge all my flaws. Miller reconciles this discomfort with a fresh perspective on the golden rule: we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. When I search the mirror in the morning, scoffing at all my flaws internally and externally, what kind of bar am I setting for how I will love those around me? The truth is…I would never treat another human being the way I treat myself. I would never put them under the same scrutiny and shame that I put myself through. Though I still firmly believe I am not capable of assigning myself worth, that only God can, I need to see that this means I cannot assign myself value good or bad. I spend so much time asking God to help me see the world as he sees it, to love people as he does, and yet I can never seem to open my eyes enough to see myself through His eyes.

I stood there that night crying over my hair with a sea of other self-degrading thoughts. More often than not, us girls are one bad haircut away from admitting how little beauty we see in ourselves. And though this message mainly tailors towards women, I have no doubt guys struggle with self-confidence in their own ways.

Sometimes as believers we tend to over-emphasize one half of the gospel. My discomfort in allowing others to love on me, I’m realizing, is closely tied to this. I don’t view myself as having worth because I truly believe I am unworthy and undeserving of grace, as many references in scripture would support. Yet, I am missing the other half of the story.

Despite the fact that I am unworthy, the Lord gives me worth anyways.

Despite the fact that I am a sinner, the Lord makes me clean.

Despite the ways I see myself, the Lord claims me as His beautiful masterpiece.

So, all that being said, please take some time to check out these pictures below of some ways I see beauty in South Sudan. I realize this post was not much of an update on the situation here, and with a few things unraveling here I anticipate posting another brief update in the near future for prayer needs. I will be traveling to Egypt on Friday for some time off after working for 10 weeks (perks of being a relief worker), and I hope to take lots of pictures then, too! In the meantime, I will be taking suggestions on the best place to donate an extra pair of scissors I just happen to have lying around ;) ma'a salama.